EMERGENCY ROOM!

Especially in the nation's emergency rooms.

This is the third year in a row that I have made a less than graceful appearance in a local ER, and sadly it is the third year that I thought I was very close to dying. In the summer of 2003, I endured constant stomach pain for a week before I gave in and went to the hospital, only to find that my appendix was going to blow up and I had to have surgery to remove it.
Last year, I got sick and worried my mother, and her fears proved true in that I was diagnosed a diabetic.

This year, my annual excursion was totally my fault. After a fairly mild breakup with my latest attempt at a relationship, I decided that it would be a good week to keep myself at a fairly moderate level of inebriation. So for three nights in a row, I had good success in my attempts. The fourth night is where things got out of hand.

The word "moderate" was replaced with "incredible". I had entirely too much to drink. But thankfully my state of conciousness was not what got me into the situation I am going to describe. As I was leaving the last bar I was at, I decided that in order to expediate my journey, I would "hop" down the only two stairs that said drinking establishment had inside. Apparently, I tend to forget exactly how tall I am when drinking, so I nailed my head on the door frame.

When I blinked back to consciousness, evidently only a few seconds after making my leap of faith, I gathered myself and my vision and proceeded to pick myself off of the ground and walk outside. It was at this time that I felt something on my head. Taking off my favorite Kansas City Royals baseball cap, I felt the top of my head. Examining my fingers, I noticed a lot of the color red. Knowing that my fingers are not normally red, I decided that I was bleeding from my head.

Here's the point in the story that I began to freak out.

I thought I had cracked my skull, or worse, that my brain might be exposed and Hannibal Lecter would cook it and eat it. AAAAHHHH!

Luckily for me, my friend was able to calm me down, get me into a car and to the hospital.

This is the point in the story where I lose all faith in America's Health Care Industry.

I sat (keep in my, I was still pouring blood from my head) in the waiting room at Our Lady of the Lake's Emergency Room for two hours, without even a paper towel to stop the flow. Once I was admitted, I informed them of my status as a Type 1 Diabetic. They checked my blood sugar and I proceeded to endure a lecture from a nursing student about how I was killing myself slowly by allowing my blood sugar to run high. I then decided to respond by saying "Just sew my head up bitch and save your stupid lecture."
Luckily I didn't actually say this out loud and somehow managed to keep what small amount of dignity I still had at the moment.

They then moved me to a room, where I lay in a bed for another two hours waiting for a doctor to at least come look at me. About 6:30am my wish finally came true. This guy walks in and looks at my head, mutters a "Hmmm" and leaves.

What if I had fractured my skull? What if grey matter had been seeping out of said skull fracture and I was getting dumber by the second. I mean, for God's sake, I'm already stupid enough....I need to retain all the grey matter I still have.

What if this was a life or death situation? Apparently, everybody in that entire ER was prepared to have my death on their collective consciousness.
Eventually, the doctor returned with the necessary implements to perform the necessary doctorly performance.

I had four stitches tied ever so tightly into my scalp and was discharged at 8:40am on Friday with a mild concussion and a repaired laceration to my scalp. Walking in a straight line seemed almost more difficult now that I was sober with a concussion than it did while I was sloshed.

The best news of the whole situation was that I only got a very small amount of blood in a very inconspicous spot on my afformentioned "favorite Kansas City Royals baseball cap".

So the moral of the story is:


"Don't jump down the stairs, no matter how few of them there are......in fact, don't pick up your feet more than absolutely necessary. Simply drag your feet when you walk and stay in constant contact with any and all sections of the earth beneath you!"