Halloween Sucks.

I'm bummed out.

For real. I'm seriously bummin'.

The Saints losing to the Ravens this weekend by such a profound margin has left my heart in shambles. This is worse than when Taco Bell renamed the 'Chilito' as the 'Chili-Cheese Burrito'. In my professional opinion, who cares that the former name, roughly translated from Spanish slang, is a 'tiny penis'. It's still a delicious combination of Chili, Cheese, and a flour tortilla.....and nothing conveys that combination better than a combination of the words chili and burrito. Dammit.

I'm also having beard withdrawal. For guys, growing a beard is like a status symbol. If you can sprout chin-fur in a matter of days or weeks, you hold an esteemed position in the eyes of your contemporaries. Just like the first girl to sprout sweater-meat in elementary school....without the disdain.....or the cooties.

This time last year, I was playing my first show in NYC. I "dressed" as Dave Grohl, of Nirvana and Foo Fighters fame, who I bear a slight resemblence to when in full-beard and scruffy hair mode.

This year, I shaved my beard into a bad-ass "Hell Yeah" handlebar 'stache and chops. I used such a rockin' re-do for the express purpose of dressing up like a hillbilly and going to a party with Corey to one of his coworkers' houses. And it was totally......LAAAAAAAAAAAAME.

I knew we were in for a rough night when on our way to the party, we decide to pick up some "Hell Yeah" beer to go along with our costumes. After wandering into a grocery store, we.......no, I got a lot of weird looks. Granted, I looked like a jackass, but it was Friday night.......there had to be a hundred people out and about, dressed up for a night of wild fun.

So we wandered through the store with our twelve packs of in hand, 'cause you "ain't 'HELL YEAH' if you don't drink some American beer out of a can....the way God made it!"

Here's the abridged version of the rest of the story: drank way more beer than I had planned to, ended up sitting on some random girl's couch watching Family Guy with Corey, got in an argument with said random girl and Corey about some topic that is slightly foggy at the moment, and by the grace of some higher power, we made it home.

So here I am, beardless and hungry, watching reruns of Law & Order, because it's more interesting than NBA Basketball and/or UAB vs. SMU in College Football. I know full well there are cute girls stumbling around dressed like sexy nurses or sexy referees or sexy Bob Dole.....wait, what? How did that get there?

Anyway.....here is a video in case you're looking for that last second costume. Girl's Costume Warehouse

Ok....I'm gonna make a run for the border.

 

 

P.s.  Does anyone know how to get money for product placement?

1/4

Three hours and twenty-five minutes and seven beers into my twenty-fifth year on this planet has got me feeling reflective.

I don't know why I hate today.

It could be that when I was twelve, everyone I seemed to know totally forgot that I had actually turned twelve. And then when it happened when I was fourteen. And again when I was fifteen. Oh yeah, and when I was sixteen.

No, I'm not kidding. Yes, I'm being over-dramatic.

It could be that a retarded holiday that prevents me from receiving important mail on the second Monday of October always precedes the day of my release into the wild.

Maybe it's that I am, by my mother's own admission (during Thanksgiving Dinner, no less) a "fluke". And "no", I won't just let that go.

For those of us that are dictionarily challenged, let's examine what a "fluke" is......Look it up on Merriam Webster Online. Type in "Fluke" in the search box of the dictionary feature. There are three entries for fluke, excluding the referrences to the blood or liver variations of a trematode that may or may not invade your mammilian organs.

You know what? I'm gonna save you the trouble. Here's what it says: 

1) Pronunciation: 'flük
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English floke, fluke, from Old English flOc. 1 : Flatfish
2 : a flattened digenetic trematode worm; broadly : TREMATODE-- compare LIVER FLUKE

2) Function: noun
Etymology: perhaps from fluke
1 : the part of an anchor that fastens in the ground

2 : one of the lobes of a whale's tail

3) Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
1 : an accidentally successful stroke at billiards or pool

So, basically, either I'm an extremely inconvienient microorganism, a piece of steel, a part of fish anatomy, or I'm my father's extremely successful, however accidental, stroke at putting a ball in a hole with a pole.

I apologize for the graphic nature of this rant. Excuse me while I vomit, being that I just unintentionally made myself ill.

Sure, there are stories that my parents, sisters, friends, relatives, relatives once-removed, relatives twice-removed, and random strangers will tell you that my name....all three of them (no, "asshole" is not in my initials) were supposed to be given to all of my siblings previous to my birth, except that three times was not the charm to squirt out a boy. Sure, I may be the "golden child", but forgive me if I take offense that I was a "fluke" eleven years after my parents first tried to name their child a boy's name and a full seven years after the third time such a tragedy occurred.

Don't missunderstand me. I'm not saying I've had a bad life so far. I've had a good life. My family is full of great people. My parents are loving and supportive and even though life can get in the way, both are incredible people. My father has worked for a long time and done everything in his power to make sure that my sisters and I have a good life. My mother has a heart that is too big for her body and not enough hours in the day to keep using it for the benefit of others. My sisters are all amazing individuals with great hearts and bigger brains than mine. My oldest sister is the amazing mother of five boys and is incredibly strong in all of her beliefs, which is something I wish I could mirror. My middle sister is a strong, bull-headed, confident woman who works way too much, but is doing everything in her power to make a difference in this world.....and I admire everything she does. My youngest sister has a brain the size of Brazil and still manages to be a wife and a loving mother of the happiest baby girl I've ever been fortunate enough to meet.

Fact is, I'm the fluke that got fluked into a family that I probably don't deserve....not to mention the friends I'm all too lucky to have. I've spent the last few years of my life attempting to have a better attitude. Sometimes I've succeeded. Most of the time, I've failed miserably. 

Thus, the conundrum of why I thoroughly hate the day that shares a number with the month it's in. Perhaps its a question I'll never answer. I guess all of this is to say, don't be offended if I don't answer the phone (or the conundrum) today.